No Way… what mystery animal did this meat come from?

What the hell am I eating? This meal has some of the most questionable looking meat in it I have ever ingested! Unfortunately for me today I am having Sweet Teriyaki chicken by Tai Pei. I will start out by saying that I had no intention of writing a food review today so I didn’t prepare myself mentally for the shock of the meal I was about to eat. First of all the cooking time is 5-6 minutes, and then another grueling 3-5 minute standing time… The meal smelled wonderful while I waited for it to finish but was sadly disappointed when I opened the microwave and unwrapped my lunch. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I looked at the “new and improved recipe” looked like. I noticed a piece of “grilled chicken” that was more like grilled gristle with sear marks on it attached to what tasted like a piece of petrified wood from the Jurassic period. I played off my first piece of absolutely disgusting chicken as a mistake, but I tried it anyway… just to see if it tasted as bad as it looked. Yes, it did. Not only was it gross it was not the only piece in this pile of trash I promised myself that I would finish for the sake of this review. I tried the dehydrated tasting carrots followed by the over cooked broccoli. My favorite part of the whole meal was the pineapple… yes I said it, p i n e a p p l e. There was one piece of pineapple in the whole container and it was delicious… too bad there wasn’t as many pieces as the picture on the container. I guess when I list an ingredient and there is only one piece it should say “may contain pineapple.” I guess it is just like when I order a pizza from Dominoes I expect more than one pepperoni when I order it with pepperoni. This meal was so disappointing to me because I adore Tai Pei’s Chicken Egg Rolls and I was hoping for some of the same quality and great taste that they have always had with this meal.

In a word this meal was very disgusting.
Cook Time: just don’t… save yourself some time.

NEW – Stuffed Melt AND Soup!

Stouffer’s Corner Bistro
Steak& Swiss Stuffed Melt with Broccoli Cheddar Soup

So my wife loves it when I write these reviews… she may not necessarily read them but she likes it when I am creative… turns her on. What turns me on is reading the new Steak& Swiss stuffed melt with broccoli cheddar soup is Herb-topped focaccia bread filled with beef steak, onions and mushrooms in a Swiss cheese sauce paired with creamy broccoli and cheddar cheese soup! Damn, that does sound delicious doesn’t it?

I like the layout of how you have to prepare this meal. You can easily take off the top of the box and it makes a tray for you food… very clever so far. Once you put in just your soup you have to take it out, stir it and then put your sandwich in one of those hot pocket sleeves. Once it is done you have to wait a minute or so and then you can enjoy. One thing I would take away from the cool tray idea is that the instructions should not only be on the underside of the tray but also on the inside of the top of the container that I just tore off… sure the microwave instructions are for one minute and thirty seconds, but I had already forgot what my next step was by the time the microwave went off. At the point where I was about to do the next step it would be a lot easier to be able to read the instructions if they were printed on the part that we were supposed to discard.
When I take my food out the soup really LOOKS like homemade soup (and my sandwich looks like a slightly exploded hot pocket). The soup looks better than most stuff that I would order at a restaurant and tastes like my wife Cassidy would really enjoy. I really like cheese soup, even though I claim I don’t like most cheeses, this tastes pretty incredible. I am surprised that the soup isn’t overheated either, it is a very pleasant surprise, and it doesn’t taste greasy or fake like I anticipated. I don’t know why I had that notion but I shouldn’t be surprised because the good people at Stouffer’s seem to do that a lot to me.

The steak & swiss stuffed melt exceeds my expectations too. The “focaccia” is good bread, but it certainly doesn’t taste like any focaccia I have ever tasted or made. I think they could have called it ciabatta and almost got away with it, that is how far it is from focaccia. I imagine the marketing staff coming up with pitches to name the bread… “ooh, lets pick focaccia, most Americans don’t know what it is and ciabatta is played out…” Oh, and "stuffed melt" seems to be the new way to say "hot pocket thingy" to consumers. Nitpicking aside it is very good. Much more than just another hot pocket look alike it is tasty and palatable. The soup certainly overshadows this part of the meal, I keep neglecting it to continue eating the soup. I kind of had the urge to dip my sandwich into the soup but I didn’t want to press my luck.
This meal is perfect for a cold or rainy day, I just felt so warm inside eating it. I don’t think I have liked a meal this much in a long time and now I just want to snuggle under some blankets with my honey and read a book.

In a word this meal was INCREDIBLY delightful.

RisottOMG

Marie Callender's Creamy Chicken & Portobello Risotto

Ok, don't get excited I am not doing these reviews again regularly... I just couldn't resist doing another review when I saw that Marie Calendar is doing "American Recipes" in her Fresh Flavor Steamer line of microwave meals.

This meal promises White Meat Chicken with Rice and Portobello Mushrooms in a Creamy Chardonnay Sauce. Well, the meal is cooking now so let's see if this Chardonnay Sauce really holds up to the test of microwave radiation being bombarded at it in a 1200 watt microwave oven.

Well, when I took the meal out of the microwave I could smell all of it's "mushroomy" goodness right away. If my nose serves me right this is going to be very tasty. One thing I have noticed so far is that the meal looks more like a soup than a risotto. I am not a risotto connoisseur by any means... I just have never seen it look this way when Alton Brown cooks it up.

At first bite the chicken tasted a little tough... that is a little out of character for a Marie Callender meal so I will say it is a fluke. The flavor overall is very good. It is a delicate flavor that would be over powered by a soda if you ate it with it. I don't want to take anything away from its overall flavor, it is a good kind of subtle that makes the mushroom really stand out. The seasoning and flavor of the risotto is present, and not one to be outdone in this meal, the chicken tastes better with my successive bites.

I really like this meal and I am pleasantly surprised by the flavor consistency as I eat it. I will definitely be picking this up again. If you are a fan of mushrooms I would definitely pick this up for your next lunch hour.

Thanks for reading, and in a word this meal was very delightful.

Cooking time: 5 minutes, one minute stand time.

Spinachy Goodness

I have been a little burnt out on writing my reviews but this micro-waved delight had to be reviewed. I have had a couple of really good suggestions for items to be reviewed so I am going to get those done this week…motivation permitting.

Today I am reviewing all of the spinachy goodness that is the Stouffer’s Lean Cuisine Chicken, Spinach, and Mushroom Panini. The sandwich has chicken, spinach (yum), mushrooms (hoooooray), Red peppers (woot!), and cheese sauce (wtf) on Italian Bread.

I have had this meal, and many meals like it, in the past. Stouffer’s is a name I have found that I can count on to make a good micro-waved meal, and pending any instruction following errors I am sure that you will find the same to be true. For the purposes of every review I follow the instructions to a “T”.

The meal at hand today was no exception from the rule that “all Stouffer’s products are decent”. I really enjoyed the aromas that emanated from the microwave while cooking, I could distinctly smell the spinach, mushrooms and peppers cooking.

The disappointing thing about the meal over all is that the sandwich seams greasy when it comes out of the microwave. I always suggest a minute or two stand time anyways but this doesn’t help in the case of this meal. Have plenty of napkins handy unfortunately, but don’t let that take away from your enjoyment of the meal. With every bite there is a blast of veggie flavor that leaves my mouth wanting more… I was salivating more than a group of women at a weightwatchers meeting when the girl scout cookies arrived. (Damnedable thin mints!)

This meal is really enjoyable if you like any of the listed ingredients, but nothing is greater than the sum of its parts. Stouffer’s has really done a great job with this sandwich and I am sure I will be getting it again in the future.

In a word, this meal was very delightful.

On a side note I think I made up the word spinachy…

Garlic and Caesar... who wants more?

Today for lunch I had Grilled Chicken Caeser by Lean Cuisine. It is described as "white meat chicken, broccoli& garlic flavored radiatore pasta in a parmesan caesar sauce" and it did not disappoint. The chicken picked up a lot of the garlic and caesar flavor making every bite delicious. There was plenty of radiatore, once of my personal favorite pasta shapes to cook with, that was perfectly cooked. The pasta didn't have a "dry" taste that I have run into in the last couple weeks. The broccoli seemed a little overcooked, but then again when is it any better in any other meal. I think someone should invest in broccoli microwave technology... or make some sort of broccoli hybrid that can withstand microwave radiation. My fear is if the powers that be did something like that there would be all of these failed experiments, one of them resulting in giant-man eating broccoli that levels cities. On that thought, I guess I will stick to soggy broccoli for now.

The cooking instructions where standard with one exception, the timing of the instructions were perfect. Since I follow the instructions every time to a T I sometimes find that when the instructions tell me to stir the food it is still mostly frozen, but not in this case. When I lifted the plastic to stir the pasta the room filled with the garlic caesar aroma and made my mouth water. Imagine my dismay when one of the radiatore pastas tried to escape onto the counter top... I ate him for his insolence. (I had to set an example for the others) Each bite that I had was better than the last, I just about licked the countainer that it was cooked in it was that good. I think I would have if I wasn't wearing such a nice shirt too. :) This was so good I just thought to myself "garlic... caesar... who wants more?" What a great flavor profile to combine and it made an amazing frozen meal.

I know this review is so silly and wonky but I was so excited after eating this it put me in a great mood. They really outdid themselves with this one, and it is "diet". I suggest any fan of garlic or caesar to try this food, it was so delicious.

In a word this meal was very delightful!

Cook time: 3 minutes, stir then 1 minute

Stand Time: 1-2 Minutes

Nutritional information found here.

Chef Inspired!

So what can I say about Hot Pockets that Jim Gaffigan hasn't already said? They are pretty much the lowest rung on the "microwaved-food food-chain". I figured that there are certain staples out there that everyone has had, and that I could take for granted that they have tried. I think Hot Pockets have had thier day in the spotlight between constant comericials in the 90's to Jim Gaffigan's entire 2 hour rant about them on HBO. Regardless, I knew that if I did a Hot Pocket review the product would have to really stand out for me, and then one day it hit me. I was walking down the frozen food isle in Wal-Mart and at the frozen food encap, and I saw a new Lean Pocket variety of Hot Pockets, it said "Simply Delicious" on its packaging. Delicious happening to be one of my many favorite words I knew I had to pick these up.

The preperation of these were simple like they always are. When you cook them just put the hotpocket in the microwave sleave and presto! You will than have boiling hot lava in the center of your hot pocket. The particular flavor was the Spinach Artichoke flavor that promised that it was "chef inspired". Is being chef inspired anything like being a couch potato and claiming to be the quarterback for the New York Jets because that gives you an idea how closely related they are. If a chef made hot pockets it would be called strombolli, if a quarter back ran 50 yards it'd be a touchdown and not cardiac arrest. I guess what I am trying to say is that this meal is no more "chef inspired" than I am by looking at a poster of a kitten hanging from a tree that reads "hang in there".

The meal was pretty tasteless overall. Every once in a while I would get a string of mystery cheese that would bridge between my mouth and the hot pocket (which is always fun, it makes me feel like I am in a commercial.) The "grilled chicken" was closer to chicken than the Hungry Man meal that I ate yesterday so that is always a plus. Overall it was still pretty disappointing, even for a hot pocket.

There was so many things that pissed me off about this meal. The fact that the instructions called the hot pocket a sandwich being the main one. The silly sleave that you cook your hot pocket also doubles as a holder now.. wahoo. What I always wanted. The final thing being that the description of the product is "Grilled white meat chicken, artichoke and low fat cheese with spinach in a crust" After reading that I decided that the Hot Pocket marketing team outsourced that description to India. Here is what I would have written, had I actually cared... "Grilled white meat chicken, with fresh artichokes and spinach in a creamy low fat cheese sauce served in a flaky pastry crust" Bam! If you need help let me know... jackasses

In a word this meal was simply tasteless.

Cook Time: 2 minutes 15 Seconds

Nutritional Information found here.

XXL

Intimidating, fierce, and aggresive... no I am not describing a datewith Kobe Byrant. I am describing Hungry Man's Southern Fried Chicken Dinner. This meal was a mans man meal, it practically says so right there in the title... "Hungry, no pussys allowed, Man Dinner" This meal is just straight meat and potatoes, the only two requirements every man wants out of a meal when they are hungry. I actually had bought the Hungry Man meal to try out Sunday,and I had not ate all day. When I set aside time to eat it the time was 3pm, and I looked at these huge portions I thought "I am not even THIS hungry"

To describe the meal a bit, it is over a pound and a half of food... that is three times larger than a frozen meal that I typically would review. I didnt like the preperations instructions at all either, having multiple phases for cooking a meal always makes me grumpy because it takes away my quality facebook time, lol. I realize they were probably pretty neccisary considering the portion size of the potatoes and that there is about a pound of

proccessed chicken to eat. The actual meal was satisfactory, had I been as ravenous as one would have to be to eat this much food I am sure it would be delicious. My first impression of the potatoes was that they were earthy, like they had been made hastely by someone that didn't bother to clean the potato skins before they made "skin-on" mashed potatoes. No such luck for me though, these were certainly instant mashed potatoes with a brown gravy. I suppose it didnt matter that there was a brown gravy with a poultry dish, considering I wasn't actually eating chicken, but three over-sized chicken nuggets. They breading was a spicey southern style c

oating that was very paletable, but the actual chicken was certainly more processed than I would like it to have been. I just imagine it being made out of chicken beaks, feet, or whatever they had laying around... isn't that what chicken nuggets are? Chicken nuggets are the hot dog of the poultry world, and these patties were its foot-longs. I gave it my best shot at eating the meal, I think I started to loose self respect at about one of the nuggets to begin with anyway... I could only manage to eat two of the three mega sized nuggets and about a third of the potatoes before I completely started to hate myself. I actually offered my coworkers the remainder of my meal because I felt so guilty for waisting so much food. Even as I write this I am ashamed that I am not man enough to eat an XXL portion of a Hungry Man dinner. I guess I am just not cut out for it.

The meal itself wasnt that bad, I can look past the processed chicken

to some extent... if I can eat a hotdog I can eat this. There was simply too much food. The actual cook time is 10 minutes long with a 2 to 3 minute wait time because of the sheer amount of it. I didn't even eat my whole meal and I had realized I went over my lunch break by a half an hour just to eat what I did. As a word of caution I wouldn't attempt to eat this unless you are a trained professional... or if arent a pussy like I am apparently.

In a word this meal was unessicarily large and mediocre.

Cook Time: 3 minutes with chicken removed then 7 minutes more with chicken.

Stand Time: 2-3 Minutes

Nutrional Information: Dont do it! Unless you are splitting this amongst your family of four.

I feel like I should be Morgan Spurlock and eat one of these every day over a 30 day period just to see how much these mess me up.